Why does fear hold us back?
This week I had a sudden wave of fear come over me as I held my paint brush over the paper. I have a playlist of "Todo" tutorials on Youtube that I'm working through. After doing a couple, I was suddenly overcome with fear and couldn't bring myself to paint another one for about three days. Even after getting the water and activating some of the watercolours.
I sat there thinking about how much I wanted to be good at painting. Looking at other people's art on Pinterest for inspiration. I think it actually did the opposite. I'm not sure what that feeling was... a mixture of pain and anxiety. I guess it was fear. Or imposter syndrome? My last painting, which was a beach scene that looked relatively easy for a beginner, didn't come out very well. My first proper landscape - a blow to my ego and expectations.
Here are the first few I managed to do during the beginning of the week. The colour might not show up very well here.
Painted some separate subjects on one paper. Gemstones were a fail.
The beach scene I mentioned on the left, and a small one I did to try to redeem myself
So after a few days, I managed to come up with some courage to paint one more beach scene. Which again, looked pretty terrible.
I'm very disappointed because I don't seem to have improved at all. I know, I know... it takes a lot of practice. This is me dealing with my addiction to instant gratification. It's so difficult. So much emotion and energy is needed to get back on track from this crippling feeling.
I know I've always had anxiety and a lot of fear of the unknown, but this was really eye opening. I mean, it's just a piece of paper, some paint and a brush. I could easily make some marks on it, follow a quick tutorial of painting a rose. But no, I went through an internal battle, and my shoulders filled with tension. Who was watching? No one. Was it a life or death situation? No.
Last night I decided to type "my watercolour sucks" in the Youtube search and found professional artists talking about how their minds play the same tricks on them. It made me feel a bit better.
Keep pushing through!
Tutorials I followed by: @deWintonPaperCo @kristinvanleuven @ellencrimitrent